After a family has completed their IVF cycles and transfers, the burden of what to do with any embryos that remain can weigh heavily on them.
If fertility clinics give the family any options at all, it is usually to donate to science or discard the embryos. Many families, not pleased with these options, choose to continue paying storage for an indefinite amount of time. So much love, blood, sweat, tears, and money went into creating these embryos. Their own children were born from these embryos. They cannot stand the thought of disposing of them.
Embryo adoption gives these families another option. It is a wonderful option for families with remaining embryos and for the families who receive them. However, that does not make the process an easy one for the embryo donors. Knowing in one’s heart and mind that it is the right choice does not make it any less difficult.
The grief that embryo donors may feel when they make the decision to place their embryos can be immense. For the adoptive family, this can come as a shock and lead to questions and concerns in how to move forward with their relationship with the donor family.
Here are three things embryo adopters should know about the grief of embryo donors:
1. Grief takes on many forms over time.
The expression “grief comes in waves” holds true for families who place their embryos. One moment, they may joyfully share in the updates and photos provided by the adoptive family of the child born through embryo adoption, while the next, the desire for communication may cease for months. Achieving pregnancy can sometimes bring a flood of emotions, prompting placing families to withdraw for a time. In some cases, communication flows smoothly throughout pregnancy but diminishes once the baby is born. The reality of seeing a picture may be overwhelming. Even years after the child’s birth, grief can resurface unexpectedly, leading to periods of silence.
There is no one-size-fits-all way that placing families experience or express grief. Some may frequently request updates, send gifts, or check in often. Others might share comparisons between the adopted child and their biological children, reminiscing about pregnancy experiences, such as saying, “All of my kids were active in the womb.” While this may catch adoptive families off guard, it is rarely intended to cause harm or be intrusive. Instead, it can simply be grief finding its way to the surface.
2. Their grief is not something you need to “fix.”
When placing families show signs of grief, often unintentionally, adoptive families may feel pressured to “fix” the situation. Whether discussing how the children will refer to one other or figuring out a communication routine, these conversations can feel uncomfortable, making adoptive parents want to alleviate the distress.
However, grief is not something that needs fixing, nor should adoptive families feel responsible for resolving it. Placing parents may not even be fully aware of how their emotions are being expressed. In these moments, offering grace and understanding nurtures the relationship far more than trying to “fix” things. Taking a compassionate step back and acknowledging their feelings goes a long way in building a healthy connection.
3. Everyone is navigating uncharted waters.
The relationship between adoptive and placing families in embryo adoption is truly unique. Both sides are navigating uncharted territory, striving not to overstep boundaries while figuring out how to foster a respectful and supportive relationship.
Placing parents often tread carefully, mindful not to intrude on the adoptive family’s daily life. They are figuring things out just as you are, learning as they go. When they make a comment you disagree with or do not appreciate, it is easy to get defensive. Setting healthy boundaries is essential, but extending grace is equally important. There is no instruction manual for situations where one family is raising another family’s genetic child. Kindness and patience help everyone navigate this new and meaningful journey together.
Embryo adoption is a wonderful opportunity for both adoptive and placing families, offering a chance to create new life from a place of compassion and hope.
However, this relatively unknown path comes with its own unique challenges, particularly when building a relationship between families. It is important to remember that placing parents have also faced their own struggles with infertility and grief, and made the selfless decision to give their remaining embryos an opportunity at life through embryo adoption. While moments of grief may surface, it does not mean they regret their decision. With time, communication often finds a natural, comfortable rhythm. Until then, patience, empathy, and understanding can make all the difference.
To learn more about embryo adoption and donation, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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