In part 1 of this blog, we shared how a friend on Facebook was concerned about the genetic connection possibly making it harder to bond with her soon-to-be-born child whom she adopted as an embryo. This fear is very common and many in our Facebook community could relate, so many in fact, that we needed multiple posts to share all of their insights.
The majority of our Facebook community found that bonding came naturally:
Lisa said, “For me I did not have an issue at ALL bonding. If anything, our struggle for a family made me feel closer to our little Allison. I however dealt with anxiety over everything not feeling permanent. It took a good 6 months before I felt 100% about this. At the point it sunk in that she was ours, FOREVER.
Our donor family has shared pictures with us of their family and our little girl looks so much like the biological mother and their son. It has not made the bonding process hard though. I look at our little girls face and remember the amazing gift they have us and the huge blessing that God arranged for us. Allison is 13 months now and it is so much fun to see her personality blossom! Not having ever met our donor family makes everything a surprise.”
Angela’s encouragement to this mother was, “Honestly, you won’t know the difference. We adopted black embryos as my husband is black and I am white. The place we went through didn’t have mixed embryos and we didn’t care one way or another! I was scared I would be the same way as you! My son was born too early, at 21 weeks. Honestly it didn’t matter one bit that he wasn’t biologically ours – we loved him no matter what. Unfortunately, he went to heaven shortly after birth but we know in our hearts that either way bio or not he is our son! Hope this helps.”
Angel shared a tender moment with us as well, “We have two embryo adopted children. Age 5 and age 8. It was never an issue for us. When they put my son next to my face after the c section, he opened his eyes as I was speaking to him. My husband and nurses commented on how he was responding to me. The bond was there immediately!! We fell completely in love the second we saw them.”
However, lest you think you are alone if that is not your experience, we did have a couple of brave souls who shared their struggles with bonding:
Jennifer said, “It took me over 11 years to get pregnant with my daughter. I feared this while I was expecting her. Fear of never being able to have a child is hard to get over; the belief that it is real took me a long time. I was still in shock for the first few months. My point is my daughter and I are tight and she is now 9 and my fears faded. By the way she is biologically mine and I had these fears. You and your daughter will do great relax and enjoy your time every moment. Congratulations.”
K. said, “I didn’t bond with my snowflake right away. I thought it was genetics-related until I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. A few meds and a few months later, we were golden!! All of that to say, if you don’t bond, don’t assume it’s a genetic or bonding issue. And as with any relationship, you grow and bond with time!”
In case you’re thinking that only the moms are concerned about this, we did also have a couple of people share about dads who adopt embryos:
Beverly said, “I just had my snowflake baby 3 1/2 weeks ago—-those thoughts did cross my mind and I personally wondered how my husband would do. It hasn’t been an issue or even come up in conversation—he is ours and we love him so much (although we still recognize it was the miracle of adoption that brought him to our arms). We have bonded beyond my wildest dreams and my husband has “daddy time” every night when he gets home from work. Everything you have worked for, prayed for, and longed for will be evident it was worth the wait once you hold that sweet baby in your arms!!!”
Mike also spoke from his personal experiences, “I am sitting next to my 2 year old ‘snowflake’ daughter and her twin brother is just across the room… 2 of the biggest joys of my life. From day one they were ‘our’ babies… Never thought of them differently and doubt you will either. I too worried that they wouldn’t feel like mine… Especially as a dad. But my worries were in vain. Love far surpasses any genetics!
Fritz agreed, “After becoming the father of a beautiful baby girl, I thought it would be impossible to love another child as much. To my delight, I was wrong. You see, love is infinite. It grows automatically to fit the situation. It requires no effort on your part.”
As you can see from these families experiences, this fear is not uncommon at all. In fact, the fear of not forming a strong genetic connection with your embryo adopted child can play a key role in a family being hesitant to pursue this unique family building choice. At the Awareness Center, we recently met with someone who spent $150,000 trying to have a genetically related child, before they pursued receiving donated embryos. After giving birth to her little one, she told us, “I don’t know why I was so uptight about the genetics – they don’t matter.”
What are your thoughts on this? We’d love to hear from your experiences. Please comment below with your stories and advice.
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