These are your embryos. You want to have a say in where they go and who raises the potential children they may become. You want to feel confident in your choice and even build a connection with the adoptive family. Your heart goes out to them because, in many ways, you have walked in their shoes. Maybe they live nearby. Maybe you run in similar circles. It feels natural to want to help.
You may have stumbled across the term “Self-Matching” online. It resonates. “Yes! That sounds like what I’m looking for.” Therefore, you dive in, determined to find the perfect couple.
You think: “I remember that ache. Wanting a baby and being told I could not do it on my own. I want to help someone else avoid that heartbreak. In addition, this couple—they seem so kind, so genuine. Why shouldn’t I give them a chance?”
But here’s the thing: the key word in that thought is “seem.”
When someone is being offered something as precious as an embryo, of course, they will be warm and kind. That does not necessarily mean you know them well—or that they are the right fit. How much do you truly have in common? Do you share values, communication styles, or life views? Do they have a criminal history or previous involvement with child protective services? Are they financially and emotionally prepared to parent?
You might say, “But they live close by!”
That does sound ideal—playdates, shared holidays, an open, ongoing relationship. However, proximity can be more emotionally complex than it first appears. What if expectations shift? What if they move away? Proximity is not a guarantee of closeness, and distance is not always a bad thing. In fact, choosing a couple based on values and compatibility—rather than just geography—can lead to healthier, more balanced relationships.
You might think, “Adoption is expensive. If we self-match, it will save the adopting parents on the cost of adoption.”
Transferring ownership of your embryos to another party involves more than just hiring an attorney to handle the legal contract. The medical records on the embryos will need to be shared with the recipient family’s clinic. Embryos may have to be shipped from one clinic or storage facility to another. Who will mediate any issues that may arise between the parties regarding communication and the sharing of updates?
Yes, you absolutely should have a say in where your embryos go.
However, there is a safer, more structured way to do it. Consider working with an embryo adoption program that supports open matching. An established program such as Snowflakes® will carefully vet prospective adoptive families—medically, financially, and legally. They will conduct home visits and interview the couple about their beliefs, parenting philosophies, and emotional readiness. They will educate the adopting family on the unique aspects of parenting a child through embryo adoption. They will help draft legal agreements that address the type and amount of ongoing communication that will occur between parties and protect everyone involved—especially you and your embryos. They will assist with the collection of necessary paperwork and medical records and even coordinate the shipment of embryos.
Best of all, through this process, you are still in control. You still get to choose a family you connect with, one that feels like the right fit. However, you do it with the support and safeguards of a team that understands the importance of every decision you are making.
In the end, it is about finding a match that honors the love and intention behind your embryos. Moreover, when that happens—everybody wins.
To learn more about embryo donation and adoption, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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