While most use the term “adoption” to refer to a single life event, the truth is that it is a lifelong process that affects all members of a family.
Part of ensuring this lifelong process provides confidence, stability, and openness for your adopted child is to avoid secrecy regarding their story. It is important to note that secrecy and privacy are not the same thing; “secrecy” indicates that something is hidden or concealed, and often perpetuates feelings of shame, fear, anger, and guilt. “Privacy” indicates that something is personal or separate—the information is known by others, but only those who need to know or with whom you have chosen to share. (Click here to read more about secrecy vs. privacy in adoption).
While every family and child has a right to privacy regarding his or her adoption story, it is important to avoid secrecy. Here are some steps to help you avoid secrecy with your adopted child’s story.
1. Determine who needs to know – and tell them!
While you do not need to broadcast your child’s story to the public, it is important to identify key people in your life who should know. Some people need to know for logistical reasons (medical doctors and counselors, for example). Some should know so that you are not walking your journey alone and can seek counsel when needed—pastors, mentors, or close friends. In addition, some should know based on the nature of their relationship to your child—siblings, grandparents, etc. It is up to you to identify these people and then foster open and honest conversations with them.
Research into what adoption language can be harmful and what language should be used, and help your friends and family learn these terms. Keeping the conversation open with these people will normalize adoption for your child and show them that their story is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Start the conversation early
It may feel intimidating (or even silly) to discuss the big topic of adoption with your newborn. However, it is important to start using positive adoption language and telling your child their story even while they are an infant. This establishes open communication from the start and helps to eliminate any temptation to keep things a secret. During the newborn stages, this may be more for others’ benefit than for the child. Speaking to the baby about adoption demonstrates positive adoption language and familiarity with the subject for other children in your home and for friends and extended family members. For your child’s benefit, this also gives you a chance to practice telling their story and allows the communication to develop alongside your growing little one.
3. Keep the conversation going
In keeping with the mindset that adoption is a lifelong process, it is important to keep the conversation going from infancy to adulthood and beyond. As your child matures, they will be ready for increasing levels of detail. They will also have questions, and fostering an open conversation will demonstrate to them that they can freely ask what is on their mind. There are times when these conversations may be initiated by your child, but it is important that you do not leave the initiation completely up to them.
Do not let their story slip into secrecy by avoiding the topic—keep the conversation going and remind them each time that it is okay to have questions. To learn more about navigating the adoption conversation with your child, click here.
To learn more about embryo donation and adoption, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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