In recent years, research has confirmed how beneficial open adoptions are, not only for the adoptee, but for the placing and adopting family as well.
After evolving from sweeping adoption under the rug, without a trace of contact between parties, to agreeing on regular in person visits, society has changed its view on communication in adoption. Openness is now encouraged and advocated for. Embryo adoption is no different, with many families placing embryos—and adopting embryos—with the expectation of receiving the benefits of an open adoption.
But what happens when you were expecting, and even hoping for, an open adoption, only to be matched with a placing family that wants a closed adoption?
Here are three things to keep in mind when navigating a closed embryo adoption.
Placing families choosing closed adoption may be coming from a place of grief.
When families are donating their remaining embryos, it can be an incredibly emotional decision. Many families will assert their desire to have no communication with the adopting family as a way to protect themselves from receiving updates or photos that may just be too hard for them to receive. Although it can be tough when you were hoping for contact, it is important to understand where the donor family is coming from. The family may not want any contact, but that does not mean that they do not care about the embryos, and it is important that this message be passed along to children born from those embryos. The placing family made the courageous and selfless choice to donate these embryos to your family out of love and hope for the embryos’ future, even if it could not be with their family. These children are loved so much that two families made big sacrifices for them. How cool is that?
Closed adoption no longer equals anonymity.
Many adoptive families want an open relationship with the donating family so they can have information about them to share with their adopted child(ren). While health history is typically available in a closed adoption, other autobiographical information may be more difficult to obtain. Thanks to technology, and our natural desire to learn about our heritage, there are many options for adoptees to learn more about themselves and their biological family. Websites like The Donor Sibling Registry provide a way for adoptees to connect with others who may be half siblings through gamete donors, while 23andMe can help adoptees locate their biological parents and genealogy. In today’s day and age, closed does not mean anonymous. With technology, it is harder now more than ever for adoptions to be completely anonymous, which is truly beneficial for the adoptees.
Closed adoptions can evolve into a more open arrangement.
As discussed earlier, placing embryos for adoption can be an incredibly emotional decision. When it comes to deciding on a communication agreement, families are making plans for the future based on their current feelings. They may feel like they never want any contact because it will be too hard to receive any updates, or even photos of the children born from the adoption. While this may remain true for some adoptions, it is not the case for others. After some time, it is normal for placing families to become curious about whatever happened with those embryos they donated months or years before. They may want to initiate contact to know if a child was born, and even be open to receiving updates. It can be difficult to anticipate how one will feel in the future, and it is not uncommon for donors to change their minds about openness. It is important to keep the door cracked for communication down the line. Just because a relationship starts one way, does not mean that it cannot evolve and change into a different one.
Moving Forward with Hope
A closed embryo adoption can feel daunting, especially when you were hoping for an open relationship with the placing family. You may worry that you will not have all the information your children need or be able to answer their questions about their biological family and adoption story. While these concerns are understandable, you can still support your children by being honest, encouraging their questions, and helping them explore their story as they grow.
Choosing to place embryos with another family can be a deeply emotional decision, and a placing family may choose a closed adoption or limited communication as a way to navigate those emotions. A desire for limited contact does not mean they do not care deeply about the embryos or the children who may be born from them. Additionally, an adoption that begins as closed does not necessarily have to remain that way. As circumstances and emotions change, a placing family may become more comfortable with communication in the future.
There are many ways to create a supportive and loving environment for your adopted children as they grow and learn about their adoption story. To learn more about embryo adoption and donation, and what resources are available to you, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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