Who’s Afraid of Embryo Adoption?

Debunking the myths, lies, and fears that can make embryo adoption feel a little scary.

Embryo adoption can open the door to a new possibility for building your family. It can also bring a whole new set of questions. If you are considering adopting embryos, you may find yourself thinking about things you never expected to worry about. What will the relationship with the genetic family look like? Will I really feel like this baby’s parent? What will my child think about his or her adoption story? What will other people think?

So… Let’s talk about the things you may be afraid to say out loud.

These questions are worth asking, and you do not have to feel guilty for having them. So let us take a few of those fears out of the shadows and discuss them.

“What if the genetic family wants my child back?”

This is one of the first fears many people have when they hear the words “embryo adoption.” You may wonder, “What happens if they change their mind?” “What if they see my baby and decide they want him back?”

It is important to remember that an embryo does not have the same legal status as an already-born child being placed for adoption. The legal and medical circumstances are different, and the agreements and expectations surrounding the embryos are addressed before the transfer takes place. Compared to adoption laws in most states, embryo adoption is actually more secure because it is governed by property law.

Of course, embryo adoption involves real legal and emotional considerations, which is why families should understand their agreements and seek appropriate legal guidance or emotional support when needed. However, the picture of a genetic family suddenly showing up at your door demanding their child back is not a realistic scenario.

“What if I love the idea of embryo adoption but can’t get past the lack of a genetic connection?”

This one may be harder to talk about.

Maybe you’ve always dreamed of having a child who shares your genetics. Maybe infertility has already forced you to grieve that dream. And now you are considering becoming a parent to a child who is genetically related to another family.

It is okay if that brings up complicated feelings. You do not have to convince yourself that genetics do not matter. You can acknowledge the loss of what you originally imagined and still become excited about a different path to parenthood.

Sometimes moving forward means grieving one dream while making room for another. That does not make your love for your future child any less real.

“What if I can’t connect with my child?”

This fear is not unique to embryo adoption. Lots of parents wonder about bonding, whether during pregnancy, after birth, or even months into parenthood. Sometimes the picture we have been given of an instant, overwhelming connection does not match everyone’s experience.

Love is not always a lightning bolt. Sometimes it grows through the ordinary things you do every day. Feeding your baby. Holding her when she cries. Learning his cute little facial expressions. Getting up in the middle of the night. Watching personality emerge. What makes you a family is not only genetics but also the love, commitment, and connection you build together.

“What if my child eventually wants their genetic parents more than me?”

This may be one of the deepest fears of all.

What if my child wants to know their genetic family? What if they love them? What if they feel closer to them? What if learning about their genetic parents makes them question me?

Your embryo-adopted children will likely be curious about their genetic family. They may want answers about where they came from. They may wonder about their genetic siblings, medical history or the people whose genetics they share.

Curiosity should not be interpreted as rejection. A child can have a desire to understand where they came from while still acknowledging exactly who their parents are. In fact, creating an environment where your child knows they are allowed to ask questions can help them feel secure in their relationship with you. You do not have to compete with your child’s genetic family. You can help your child understand that knowing where they came from and knowing where they belong are not the same question.

“What if people don’t understand our embryo adoption? ”

Is the baby really yours? Why doesn’t your child look like you? Who are the real parents?

Maybe you are worried that everyone will know your family was created through embryo adoption.

First of all, even though it’s important to share the adoption story with your child from an early age, not everyone needs to know. Your family’s story belongs to your family. You can decide what you share with friends, extended family, acquaintances, and strangers.

And yes, there may be moments when someone asks a question you were not expecting. You may have to explain something you wish people understood without an explanation. These moments can be valuable opportunities to educate about embryo adoption and teach appropriate adoption language.

Over time, you may discover that you do not have to be afraid to tell your story. Your family does not have to look exactly like everyone else’s to be a family. The goal is not to make sure nobody ever knows your story. The goal is to help your child grow up knowing that adoption is nothing to be ashamed of.

So, who’s afraid of embryo adoption?

Maybe you are. Maybe you are excited about the possibility and still scared of everything that could go wrong. That is okay.

Do not be ashamed of the questions. Ask them. Talk about them. Get the information you need. Speak with professionals and families who have walked this road before you. You don’t have to ignore the hard parts to move forward. Sometimes the unknown feels scarier when we are standing outside of it, imagining every possible worst-case scenario. But as we learn more, we may discover that the story we were afraid of is not the story we are actually stepping into.

To learn more about embryo adoption and donation, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.