Why would adoptive parents need to be reminded that their adopted child would not share their genetics?
It makes logical sense that adopted children may not have the same hair or eye color, or even ethnicity, as their adoptive parents. However, when it comes to embryo adoption, this reality can feel less obvious. Carrying the child through pregnancy and giving birth can create a deep physical and emotional connection that may blur the distinction when it comes to genetic ties. It is important for adoptive parents to intentionally acknowledge and process the genetic differences early on, so they can approach their child’s story with honesty and sensitivity as their family grows.
The Influence of Fertility Treatment Practices
Because the IVF (in vitro fertilization) industry often involves creating embryos using donor gametes, it is possible for those who are growing their families through IVF to select sperm and/or egg donors with similar physical features to theirs, in an attempt to create a child who “looks like them.” It is tempting, therefore, for adopting families to seek to match with embryos whose genetic parents carry traits similar to their own. Especially from couples grieving the loss of the idea of a child who looks like them, it is common for embryo adoption agencies to receive such requests when considering matches.
The Beautiful Reality of Embryo Adoption
Embryo adoption is a wonderful response to the plight of so many pre-born children in need of adoptive families to give them the chance to be born. It also allows those who have not found success at growing their families naturally or through IVF the opportunity to experience pregnancy and childbirth.
However, one expectation that needs careful consideration is this: Children born through embryo adoption should not be expected to look like their adoptive parents.
Many parents initially imagine a child who looks like them. That desire is natural. Because of this, hopeful parents who learn that they will likely not have genetic children are facing a very real loss, a loss that should be recognized and grieved prior to embarking on an embryo adoption journey. If this grief is not addressed, adopting parents may still cling to the hope of finding a match that will allow the birth of a child who looks like them or carries other traits such as athletic ability or IQ. They may falsely believe that this will give them comfort or lead to the child being more readily accepted by extended family and friends.
Yet rejecting embryos that do not seem likely to have traits like yours is an unrealistic request, is not adoption-focused, and even devalues the lives of these embryos.
If implemented, matching based on genetic traits could even make it less likely that some embryos will be adopted. It also places an undue burden on the family who is placing their embryos and the agency assisting with matching embryos with adopting families.
Some adoptive families may even have the idea that if their adopted child looks like them, they will not need to tell them that they are adopted. But experts widely agree that this practice can negatively influence adopted children and does not support their long-term emotional health.
Embracing the Child’s Story
It is important to recognize that families have never been defined by resemblance alone. Think about other adoptive families, blended families, stepfamilies, and even extended relatives who raise children. Connection comes from shared experiences, traditions, inside jokes, bedtime stories, discipline, guidance, and unconditional love, not from identical noses or matching eye colors. If physical similarity were the foundation of parenthood, countless devoted families would somehow be considered “less than.” Fortunately, we know that is not true.
Children are perceptive. As adopted children grow, they may notice differences in appearance. If parents openly embrace those differences with confidence and acceptance, as well as how the child came to join their family, children learn security. If parents appear unsettled by them, children may feel a lack of belonging.
The healthiest message to give your adopted child is this: You don’t have to look like me to be mine.
A Word about Epigenetics
Some people wonder whether carrying the pregnancy will make their embryo-adopted child look more like the adoptive mother. There is fascinating research on epigenetics, the idea that the uterine environment can influence how certain genes are expressed.
Carrying a pregnancy can affect aspects of development such as metabolism or health tendencies. However, it does not override DNA. It does not change inherited physical traits like bone structure or inherited facial features.
The gestational mother contributes profoundly through nourishment, hormones, protection, and bonding, but not through altering the genetic blueprint.
Adoption is defined as the act of a family legally assuming the parenting of a child not genetically related to them. While it is widely accepted that children who were adopted through domestic, foster, or international adoption programs will likely not resemble their parents physically, children born through embryo adoption, likewise, do not share a genetic connection to their adoptive parents. It is important for embryo adopting parents to recognize and embrace this so that they will maintain realistic expectations of their adopted child and of the embryo adoption process.
To learn more about embryo adoption and donation, visit EmbyroAdoption.org.
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