If you are in the midst of an embryo adoption, you have likely done research about and given lots of thought to your decision before taking the steps toward this option, so you are familiar with what the process entails.
When you finally begin the adoption process, you are excited and may start sharing the news with family and friends, expecting them to be just as excited as you are, especially if you have struggled with infertility in the past and they have knowledge of this journey you have been on to grow your family. This video gives some helpful advice on navigating these conversations.
What if, upon sharing your embryo adoption plans, you are not met with excitement? What if instead, you are met with insensitive questions, judgement, ignorance, and unsolicited advice about how you should be growing your family?
That would be pretty disheartening and we know the last thing you want to have to do is try to figure out how to address your friends and family in a kind, loving way, while also continuing to be excited about this path you are on. We hope to help you navigate difficult conversations like these so you can inform your loved ones about embryo adoption and (hopefully!) get them excited with and for you as you are walking through this process.
Before diving into how to address loved ones’ negative response, it will be helpful to identify the why: Why are they having this negative reaction to your choice of pursuing embryo adoption?
Let us look at a few situations that you may have faced or could face in the future, in addition to suggestions for how to respond to your loved ones.
It could be that they just are not informed about what embryo adoption is.
They have heard of domestic and international adoption and are in full support of you adopting a child, but the concept of embryo adoption is so foreign to them they just cannot fully grasp it. They could even think embryo adoption is the same as IVF and have a negative view of the IVF industry.
In this situation, it may be as simple as sharing what you have researched and pointing them to resources so they can learn more about embryo adoption. Inform them that you are not creating new embryos, but rather are adopting embryos who have already been created and giving them an opportunity at life.
There are many resources you can send them that give a general overview of what embryo adoption is, such as these: What is Embryo Adoption? and Everything You Need to Know about Embryo Donation & Adoption.
Maybe you are the first person in their lives that has ever adopted, so they are unfamiliar with the concept of adoption in general.
They may not feel comfortable with talking about adoption and could be nervous that one day, your adopted child will ask them a question or want to talk to them about their adoption, and they will not know what to say. This may even be something you are nervous about, too!
Invite them to share in this journey, and as you are learning how to talk to your child about their adoption, share what you are learning with your loved ones so they can continue to be a support to you and your child. You never want your adopted child to feel any shame surrounding their adoption; it should be something that is celebrated and it is important for those closest to you to also be celebrating your child’s adoption story. Here are a few resources that can help them and you navigate these conversations: Four Ways to Support Your Child’s Embryo Adoption Story and How to Talk to Your Snowflake about Their Origins.
A few more examples come from a Snowflakes embryo adoptive father who wrote about his family’s journey as well as other families’ embryo adoptions.
Ezekiel Lee, in his book, Once Frozen Now Family, details his experience of receiving negative feedback from a friend when sharing his and his wife’s plans to pursue embryo adoption and how he handled it. He writes:
As a final aside, all of our friends and family were supportive, but this does not mean that all agreed with us. One of my relatives in Taiwan essentially said, “Well, it’s cool what you’re doing, but why don’t you just do IVF? Then you’ll have your own kids.”
In another situation, one of my closest friends strongly disagreed with our decision to pursue embryo adoption. His concerns, generally speaking, were two-fold. First, he was of the mind that embryo adoption, being downstream of IVF, was enmeshed with it in ways that one could not faithfully disentangle. Second, he was worried that we were pre-empting God. He urged us, instead, to wait on the Lord, for the opening and the closing of the womb are ultimately from Him.
Being thorough, as well as thoroughly concerned, this dear friend sent us a list of 48 questions. I answered every single one, sometimes with vexation, sometimes holding back tears.
An example:
QUESTION: How does this solution to infertility glorify [God]? Is this a solution to infertility more than it is an act of mercy to the embryos?
ANSWER: Why is [frozen embryo adoption] being viewed suspiciously as a “solution to infertility”? Adoption is not a solution to infertility—this assumes that infertile couples look to adoption in a utilitarian way, as if it were being used instrumentally to “fix” something. The question, in its assumption, presents adoption as a second best.
Regarding the second question, first, as mentioned above, I take issue with the term “solution to infertility”; second, I’m not sure why those two are being pitted against one another. Can it not be said that God might just “use” infertility to point couples to adoption? How many couples out there who have no trouble conceiving multiple children then actually go and adopt? In my experience, it is infertile couples who tend to be drawn to adoption. Is adoption a “fix” for their infertility? Do you think love for the little ones they will adopt does not enter the picture?
Rather than an “act of mercy,” we view [frozen embryo adoption] as an act of love—a recognition of the frozen little ones’ humanity. Again, you can view adoption as a solution to infertility, and marriage as a solution to sexual desire or loneliness, or you can view them more charitably.
Another example:
QUESTION: Why would you choose to do this now, given that many couples try for 5, 6, 7, 8+ years before conceiving? Given your timeframe, why now? What if you do this, and natural conception was just around the corner? Will doing this prevent future possible natural conceptions? What’s the risk of long-term damage?
ANSWER: We are willing to do this now because if it is a good and noble thing, why not? It would seem that we are genuinely interested in [frozen embryo adoption] if we are willing to do so whether or not God gives us biological children. To say, “No, I first want ‘my own children’ and then I’ll be open to [frozen embryo adoption]” would be to relegate [it] to a second best. We are not viewing biological birth and [frozen embryo adoption] as exclusive endeavors—we are still open to and desirous of biological kids. In fact, I think it would be so, so neat if we could have both. We have not at all given up on the hope that God might bless us in time with biological kids. We have just come to see [frozen embryo adoption] as a good thing, and are thus open to pursuing it, without still clinging onto the biological route as the better one and the one that we simply have to take first.
Why now? We do have to look at it practically. We desire kids, we are more or less ready, and we don’t want to be too old when we have kids. These practical concerns need not therefore be ungodly concerns: the desire for kids is from God, and the desire to provide well for them is also from Him, no?
We have no way of knowing if natural conception is around the corner. We are viewing frozen embryo adoption (FEA) as a good thing, and thus going forward by faith. You may very well be giving us too much power over God’s affairs. If He desires to give us biological kids, then I imagine He will. I don’t think that the evidence of faith is necessarily in the willingness to wait, and wait, and wait for some long cherished thing, as if it were an endgame in and of itself. I think the evidence of faith is in the daily willingness to walk with him; to reject the temptation to despair, or become angry and bitter, or to live by the flesh; and to work through all things in prayer, in consideration of the Word, and the testimony of the Spirit.
To our knowledge, there is no robust evidence out there that FEA prevents future natural conception. Anecdotally, we have heard of couples who have conceived naturally even after doing FEA. We do appreciate your mentioning this question; it reveals your care for us.
I concluded my letter to him with the following words:
I am left with several thoughts:
- We still disagree, and significantly so.
- I am moved by your concern and love.
- I believe that God will use our disagreement to only draw us closer, and refine our understanding of things.
Your friend who cherishes your wounds, though they may sting—
Ezekiel Lee
I’m happy to share with you that this friend and I still speak on the phone and pray together regularly. If you encounter pushback during the adoption journey, please don’t automatically regard it as antagonistic. Sometimes, those who disagree with you force you to think through the issue most thoroughly. And your relationship with them may become all the stronger, and sweeter, as a result.
Whatever the situation and whatever their concerns might be, the bottom line is that it is your choice, your family, and you are on your own path.
The hope is that your friends and family would be supportive and excited about your embryo adoption journey, but if you are faced with negativity, I hope you feel prepared to address their concerns without taking away your joy. As Ezekiel said, at the end of the conversation, you may still disagree, and that is okay!
To learn more about embryo adoption and donation, visit EmbryoAdoption.org or Snowflakes.org.
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