There are countless resources designed to guide adoptive families on how to share their children’s story of origin, But what about embryo donor families wondering how to tell their children that they have biological siblings elsewhere in the world?
Many families who choose to donate their remaining embryos to an adoptive family are raising biological children, often ones who were a part of that same embryo set. So how do you explain the process of embryo donation and adoption – one that is difficult even for many adults to comprehend – to a young child?
Read below for tips on sharing this information with your children, and navigating some of the questions they may have:
Start with their own story
Before being able to understand someone else’s story, feelings, or circumstances, children must first have an established sense of self. This sense of self develops in different stages over the course of childhood, but it is a crucial foundation for a child to be able to comprehend complex ideas about others. Dr. Kathleen Whitten, a developmental psychologist and Georgia State University, says, “Young children…are most interested in themselves, their own families, and their own story, not in an abstract idea about what adoption is.”
With this in mind, before you dive into telling your child about their embryo siblings, it is first important to help them understand that they too were once an embryo. Whether your child was conceived naturally or through a method such as IVF, you can share with them that all babies begin as embryos. Introducing the language of embryos to your child through their own story brings the idea of an embryo into their understanding of self. This provides them with a foundation for understanding when you begin to talk about the embryos that your family donated.
Be honest, direct, and use truthful language
The urge to use “kiddie” language will undoubtedly surface when explaining embryo donation to your little ones. How much simpler would it be to tell a little story about the same stork being assigned multiple families than to explain the long process of creating, storing, and donating embryos? Even if your children are older, it is tempting to gloss over the specifics of the process in efforts to dodge a difficult conversation.
As you answer your child’s questions about donating embryos, push yourself to use real language—keeping in mind, of course, age-appropriateness. Normalize the terms egg, sperm, pregnancy, and embryo. Of course, it is not expected that you lay out the entire process for them on day one, but telling a simplified version of the story can still be accomplished while using real and truthful language. Use of this language from the beginning enables you to add more details to the story as your child and their comprehension grow.
Empower them to be involved
It can feel frustrating for a child at any age to be told an important and real-life story and yet have no autonomy to participate. You can empower your children to process and participate in your family’s embryo donation journey by bringing them into the conversations surrounding the process. Of course, the big decisions are left to the adults, but you can bring them into the details and allow them to have a say in what their relationship with their biological siblings may look like.
If you have recently chosen an adoptive family for your embryos, share a little bit about them with your children or invite them to see the family’s profile. If you have contact with the adoptive family, share photos and updates with your children and invite them to choose photos or write their own updates to send in return. Alternatively, if you are not in contact with the adoptive family, your child may be interested in writing a little update once in a while or putting aside some photos to share with their biological siblings should they ever meet in the future.
Navigating conversations around the complex process of embryo donation often feels daunting—having this conversation with your children can feel even more so. Know that while it may feel awkward at first, it is important to revisit the topic often enough that your children grow accustomed to the idea and accept it as a part of your family’s unique and beautiful story.
For more resources explaining to your children your decisions to donate embryos, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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