The embryo adoption process is often an emotional journey for both adoptive families and embryo donors. Both sides have often experienced significant grief, invested in costly fertility treatments, and nurtured a strong desire for children. These intense emotions can sometimes make it challenging for each party to understand the other’s perspective. Ultimately, both embryo donors and adoptive families share a common goal: for a child to be born from the embryos.
Here are three things that adoptive families wish embryo donors knew:
1. “We are not ignoring you when we haven’t sent an update in a while. We are wanting to enjoy this experience as a family, too.”
Think back to when you were undergoing your transfers. Perhaps it was a deeply personal experience shared only with your partner. Maybe you celebrated quietly together, hoping for a positive outcome. When you received good news, you might have enjoyed a small, intimate celebration. Once your family started to grow, you probably spent time planning how to share the news. For many families, this period is private and filled with anticipation.
In the case of a direct donation or open adoption, a lack of frequent updates before or after the transfer does not mean the adoptive parents are ignoring you or are not grateful. They are simply trying to cherish this special time together as normally as possible. Similarly, once their child arrives and begins to thrive, they are engrossed in their daily lives. One father mentioned that days could go by without even thinking about the fact that his daughter was adopted. This quietness signifies their focus on family life, not ingratitude.
2. “If things don’t work out with your embryos, we feel guilty.”
Embryo adoption carries a unique burden for the adoptive family. As you know from your IVF journey, not every embryo develops into a healthy, full-term baby. Sometimes losses occur. Adopting families can feel a profound sense of guilt if their transfer is unsuccessful or if a miscarriage happens. They understand that the outcome is beyond their control, yet they bear the weight of feeling responsible for the precious gift you entrusted to them. Additionally, they worry about your grief and try to manage their emotions while being mindful of yours.
3. “We are truly so grateful for you!”
Adoptive parents are deeply thankful for your incredible generosity. They can never fully express their gratitude for the sacrifice you have made and for choosing them to parent the precious embryos. At various stages of the process, there might be misunderstandings or delays that make it seem like they are not appreciative. However, even if communication lapses, they have not forgotten the beautiful gift you gave them to help grow their family. They reflect on it more often than you might realize.
Placing embryos for adoption is a challenging decision, marked by a sacrifice that few can fully comprehend.
It is a profoundly life-affirming choice, offering these little ones the chance at the life that you envisioned for them. While navigating the emotions and establishing a relationship with the adoptive family can be difficult, it’s important to consider their perspective as well. You both share a deep love for these embryos, which is a powerful common bond.
To learn more about embryo donation, visit EmbryoAdoption.org.
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